I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
