White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
