We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
