I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
