I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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