If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
