I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
