Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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