well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
