I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
