Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
