i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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