Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
