Barsexuality is the new black.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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