i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
