How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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