i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
