Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
do herpes really smell.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
