saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
