If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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