Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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