I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
