so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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