Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
