did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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