so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
