Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
