If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
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