its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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