You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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