Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
