I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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