The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
