Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm gonna fight the coyote
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
