Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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