i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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