I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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