Just mADE A PArabola og urine
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
