I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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