I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
