she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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