i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
