we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
