why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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