Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize