I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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