I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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