then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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