I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
