Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
