but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
