Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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