Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
