Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
