you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she smelled like a LAN party
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
