My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
