it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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