I am in a vortex of obligation.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
