you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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