i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
