Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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