I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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