remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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