i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
