I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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